This is Kind of Intense
I came across this little video a few months ago, and I can't stop thinking about it.
SHORT Video: "This is how addiction feels"
I have tremendous compassion for all of us who have wrestled with addiction — of any kind. The most obvious are drugs, alcohol, food, porn, work, and screens, of course.
But there are others so common we've normalized them, forgetting they're addictions at all. We've collectively agreed they're just 'how things are,' yet they're profoundly relationship-damaging and spirit-crushing.
Years ago, Jeanine Mancusi and I created a program focused on Enhancing Vitality with Ease & Joy! Sounds pretty great, right? (It was!) To get to the good stuff, we first explored what most of us unconsciously put in the way of vitality, ease, & joy: emotion-backed addictive demands (E-BADs) — a concept popularized by Ken Keyes in the 1970's.
We create suffering for ourselves when we insist that life be other than it is. Simple to understand intellectually, harder to change in practice because that's the nature of addiction.
Still, we start with the power of the intellect to raise our awareness and at least begin to see what's going on. From there, we can gather the willingness to feel the impact of these addictive demands on ourselves and others.
Examples usually help, so here are some of the most common ones. Notice how they feed into one another, creating a cluster of difficulty that blocks vitality, ease, and joy.
Popular E-BADs:
Controlling: trying to MAKE something happen, or make people (including yourself) be a certain way. This is especially insidious in distorted self-improvement efforts.
Proving, Earning, & Performing: seeking validation or a sense of your innate value from the outside world. Trying to win the approval of others. Performing for approval damages self-esteem, but we rarely even notice when we're high on the addiction to approval.
Entitlement: (especially after long stretches of proving, earning, and performing) feeling like other people or life itself owes you something and rather than wait for the "payment," you feel justified in taking whatever you want. We see this a LOT on the road. Think: people who know a lane is ending but drive all the way to its end — and sometimes along the shoulder — so they can cut in front of all the other drivers.
Whining & Complaining: perpetuating the lie of powerlessness. For example, lamenting the lack of fairness in those aforementioned entitled drivers! Commiserating with others and calling it "bonding," when in fact, this activity is binding you to pain through rehearsals and replays.
Guilting: emotionally punishing yourself for perceived wrongdoing or punishing others — especially for not doing what you want. The underlying belief is that you (or they) are bad and deserve to suffer. Pairs nicely with Controlling or Entitlement.
So now what?
What to do when you can admit to and feel the impact of one or more of these E-BADs? Here are a few suggestions:
Bring Compassion: you likely have a complex history with these behaviors. Like in the video above, at some point they lifted you up. Perhaps they even brought an exhilarating discovery of power. (My colleagues and I call this a cheap hit of power because it is short-lived and ultimately hurtful. And yet, it seemed to work — at least once — or you would have never repeated it.)
Summon Your Courage: detoxing from any addiction is wildly uncomfortable. Sobriety is hard. The lure back to intoxication strong, at least for a while. Most likely your environment and relationships are currently designed to reinforce EBADs.
Get Support: you can do this on your own, but why would you want to? Help is all around, and is yours for the asking. Point yourself towards greater Ease & Joy by asking for help. Find role models who have learned to live beyond these E-BADs — not perfectly but consistently. Connect with a friend who is brave like you and wants to explore a new way of living. Hire a coach or a therapist. Read supportive books or poetry. Let nature inspire you. (Trees don't whine or try to prove anything, right?)
Listen to your Heart's Desires: what makes your heart sing? If you don't know, practice listening and attuning. It takes practice to hear your true desire rather than what you've been told you should want
Let me know what you discover. I read every comment and value everything you share with me.
with love & compassion,
- Michelle
Video credits: “Kiwi tastes a golden nugget. It's delicious.” by Andreas Hykade